


Alone

by FenHarelsTricks



Series: Alone [1]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Blood and Violence, F/F, F/M, Mild Smut, Sexual Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-25 13:32:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18575488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FenHarelsTricks/pseuds/FenHarelsTricks
Summary: Part one of my Alone series about Hawke and Fenris. Depression is a major theme of the story. Points of veiw from different characters throughout the story.





	Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Bioware owns right I just wanted to add a little.
> 
> This is part one I've been working on this for a while. I have notes and am almost finished with part 2. Feedback would be great. Hope you enjoy.

Alone

 

“I'm sorry,” Fenris said staring at the ground “I feel like such a fool. I just wanted to be happy, even for a little while. Forgive me” his eyes haunted hers as he looked the turned to leave. Walking out her door leaving her alone once more.

“I was happy.” Hawke whispered down at her hands. The feel of his touch still warm on her skin. She closed her eyes and felt his lips crushing hers, his teeth scrap against her neck. She shivered the thoughts away, as his haunted face flashed before her eyes once again. She was cold and utterly alone. She got up from the bed, pulling her robe on, and walked to her desk opening a book she didn't even see.

\--------

Varric sat in the hanged man looking over documents of trade and sipping his ale. Isabella sat in the corner signing loudly.

“UGH, Varric I'm so bored. Lets go get Hawke and do something!” She whined loudly flipping herself upside down in the chair with her legs up on the headrest.

As much as Varric loved her, he was not in the mood today. He had to sign these documents and read a new business proposal. “why don't you go find a young man to help you...pass the time.” he suggested with a wink.

“Oh, maybe Fenris is home.” Isabella said as she walked out of his room shaking her hips.

“I wouldn't.” was all he called after her.

“Yea, Yea..” she waved him off as she turned the corner and her voluptuous body was gone.

Signing all the documents he moved on to the proposal, after reading it through once, he dropped everything and headed to Hawke's. This was something she had to see.

He enjoyed his walk to the Hawke's estate up in high town. Only now realizing she hadn’t been to see Varric in about three days. That was unlike his friend. She usually got into trouble at least once if not three times a day. He didn't even stop as he walked through the courtyard and through the door.

Shutting the door, he wiped his feet on mat as he heard Rufus bounding towards him. “Not today mutt” he called to the hound rushing him. With his words the dog stop and sat, waiting patently for Varric to come to him. He patted the boy on his head and went to the sitting room. Feet rushed down the steps and he was surprised to see Leandra and not Hawke.

“Ah Leandra, looking as lovely as ever.” he said with a bright smile. Everyone loved Hawke's mother, she, in some ways was a mother to them all.

“Oh Varric! Thank the Maker!” she sang running to him, a frantic look in her eye. “It's Vanessa! She hasn't come out of her room for three days, shes not eating. The only person who has seen her is Rufus!” she screeched pointing to the hound looking at her with sad eyes.

Without a word, he quickly ran up the stairs and tried Hawke's door. To his expectation the door was looked, taking out his lock-pick within two minutes the door was open. He stepped in slowing expecting to see an injured girl laying on the floor, or what he was sure he'd find- an empty room. To his surprise he saw Hawke sitting at her desk, unmoving.

“Hawke?” His voice was quite as he stepped towards her. He came around and look at her, his eyes going wide. There she sat with a book but her eyes where unseeing. All around the desk where letters scrambled around from different people with problems in Kirkwall. But Hawke was what really shocked him. Her eyes looked dead, her cheeks sunken in, and her lips drying and cracking. He had just seen her three days ago, but she had changed so much and he had no idea why. “Vanessa?” at the sound of her first name, her eyes flickered over to him finally seeing him.

 

“Varric? Is something wrong?” She said looking at the startled expression on his face. She coughed to clear her throat. She noticed the window and how the sun streamed in. It was morning and she hadn't slept a wink, all she could think of was Fenris and how she how felt in his arms. She rubbed her face and stood clutching the table for support.

“Are you alright, Hawke? No on has seen you for three days, you haven't eaten.”

Three days? That didn't seem right...but then again she was starving and so very tired. “Oh, I was just...reading these reports, I must have lost track of the time.” she slowly walked and sat on her bed as Rufus made his way into the room to sit by her side. “I'm sorry, was there something you needed?”

Varric gave a small chuckle, though he found nothing funny. “Anything I needed? No smart comment, nothing about me being in your room?”

Hawke smirked but didn't say anything.

“Well, you’re going to eat and I'll be back tomorrow. I have a hilarious business idea-you're going to love it.” With that she watched as Varric left her room. Rufus nudged her hand with his muzzle and she rubbed his face.

Getting up she grabbed an apple from her desk and ate it while looking at the reports she had said she was reading. Was it really three days? What had happened. She sat back down on her bed and re-read the same letter again. Slowly she fell asleep.

 

\---------

Varric walked out of the mansion still in shock. What had happened to Hawke that she would act like that. In fact he was so adsorbed in his own thoughts that he bumped into a tall blonde mage.

“Oh Thank the Maker, Varric!” Varric noticed that Anders was dressed in his nicer robes and looked a little frantic.

“You know that’s twice someone said that to me today, blonde. What are you doing here?”

“Did see Hawke, I couldn't get into her room for two days.” Anders said running his hand through his hair. He began pacing “Fenris was here, you know. Three days ago, after that fiasco in the cave. I came here to see Vanessa, she was upset after he yelled at her! Can you believe that elf, 'what has magic touched that it hasn't spoiled?' Ugh! Did he even think of Bethany? Her family?”

“Keep your voice down Blonde.” Varric shushed him.

“And after he killed that women in front of her. Did you see her face, Hawke's I mean, pure shock! Hes such an animal. I stopped by later to check on her, and he was here! They seemed to be arguing, I was going to stop them but, you know Hawke, she can take care of herself. But now I haven't seen her for three days! Did her hurt her?

Varric stood there as the information sunk in. What had happened that night? He knew Hawke feelings for Fenris, did they argue? Fight? Or something else entirely? It wasn't his place, nor was it Anders.

“I don't think so Blonde. She's just not feeling well. Come on, Daisy is coming to the bar later lets go get a drink. I'll even let you win a game of wicked grace.”

 

\-------

Hawke's room was cool, but she felt as if she was burning up. Fenris' hand slid up her leg and a shiver went down her spine. He pulled her closer breathing in her ear in labored breaths. Their connection growing stronger. Then Fenris was gone. And she was naked and alone covered in blood. She looked down and saw Carver's dead body laying in a heap. An ice cold hand spinning her and shrieking words she didn't understand. It was Bethany sick with blight and ripping the skin from her side.

Vanessa Hawke woke sweating on the floor of her room. She didn't remember how she got there but didn't care. The nightmare was fresh on her mind and she was sick of it. She was a Hawke, the Hawke of Kirkwall! And she was tired of being weak.

She had actually read some of the reports on her desk and she was angry enough to take just the right one. A group of slavers where hanging out in the alienage in low town, it was time they where stopped. She dressed and grabbed her daggers and pulled her hood up, leaving out the window as not to be heard, she made her way to low town.

She wasn't seen all the way in town, using her abilities she moved from building to building. She had seconds thoughts quite a few times, maybe she should get some back-up, but the reports were simple; two to three slavers at the most.

Coming out of her cloak she entered the alienage. Standing with her back against the wall, she peaked over the corner. She watched as three large men beat on a smaller elven one. Taking a deep breathe she let instinct take over as she threw two smoke pellets into the crowd. Immediately jumping after the smoke was released, she grabbed the elf before anyone even knew she was there.

She placed him down on the other side of the great tree and ran back into action. The smoke was still thick enough for her to move unseen. Lowering her body she moved with the grace unparalleled to any other. She slipped around the two closest to the exit and stood in front the man holding the borad sword. She entered the view and the man eyes widened as she stuck one dagger into his chest and the other into his ear, taking him down on the spot.

As the smoke cleared Hawke stood, the wind blew and pushed her hood down, her wild red hair blowing to the left. She wiped away some blood from her cheek and smirked as the other two men backed away. Then the scene changed.

“It's her...it's Hawke!” one of the slavers yelled, his voice shaking. But the other man did not look afraid.

“Now!” he screamed, and within seconds men were pouring out of the building.

Hawke looked around, at least twenty maybe twenty five soldiers now surrounded her. “Well, if only I knew it was so easy to call all the bachelors in the city.” she smiled shyly. She knew she was in trouble, but the thoughts running through her head were peaceful.

She threw her last pellet and took charge. Slicing and stabbing as she went. She jumped down on a man with a staff, assuming that was their mage. She pushed both daggers into his shoulder as he cried out and fell. She rolled forward, using his momentum to travel to her next victim. Jumping to her feet she slashed his throat and as the blood sprayed her face, she was already on the move. She was better and faster than them all, and she had a hate inside her no one could touch.

She tore through their flesh, blaming each of them for her tortured lovers pain. Her chest began to burn and limbs grew tired but still she fought. A sharp pain sliced at her leg and side but she could not be stopped. Only two slavers stood before her, a striking beauty dripping a blood, a true nightmare. She lunged going for the bigger target, the obvious threat, she was too tired to see the true villain. She spun twirling her daggers in the air as she cut down her target, and right as she stood to turn the knife plunged into her lower stomach.

She looked into the eyes of the man now smiling down at her, victory clear on his face and she smiled back as her own knife went into his eye. The last slaver jerked then fell at her feet, leaving his knife stuck by her hip. Adrenaline was leaving her system as she looked around at the massacre around her. She was covered in blood and after taking a step she realized some of it was hers.

Her leg had a large open gash going down to her knee, the ribs on her right side felt crushed from a blow by a shield, and the worse the small object still stuck in her gut. She fell to the ground, too tired to go on. She didn't know how long she lay there but someone nudged her boot.

Slowly, she opened her eyes to see Carver standing there. “Get up.” he nodded at her. All she could do was shake her head. “This isn't all about you, you know. Get up we have to move.”

“Ugh, you’re dead...and younger you can't tell me what to do.”

“Don't be so spoiled and stupid. Now get up.” he said reaching down a hand to pull her up. She stood shaky on her feet. “Come on the Hanged Man is just down the street.” she followed him in silence, only now remembering her own words.

“Wait am I dead?” she whispered as she slowly walked, mostly dragging her left leg.

“You wish. Now come on we need to get you out of here.”

“Carver...I...I'm sorry.”

“Now isn’t the time, as I said it isn't all about you.”

“It's my fault, you and Bethany.” she stopped and looked down tears filling her eyes. “I lost you, I was supposed to take care of you, for Father. What have I done.” she took a few more steps and fell into the bar and on the sticky floor.

 

 

Anders took another sip of his drink, but it didn't help. He could not get Hawke out of his mind. Ever since she had come to his clinic looking for him, he couldn't stop himself.

“She is a distraction from your true purpose.” Justice's voice rang out in his head for the thousands time.

Anders just rolled his eyes-no use arguing with yourself after all. He finally looked up from his cup and saw Varric and Merrill in a deep discussion with Isabella watching in delight. Anders smiled to himself enjoying his friends. He missed his old friend Constance, but since leaving the wardens he figured it best not to write their Warden Commander to just check up,

“I haven't seen that sexy smile in a while.” Isabella purred in his ear.

“Well seeing you always brightens my day.” he replied equally sassy,

“Oh well did you want to tell me more about that lightening trick?” she asked with raised eyebrows. The mage chuckled at her subtle hints and then at that moment the door to the tavern flew open and a loud crash rang out. Everyone in the place stood and gathered in the direction of the noise, essentially blocking out the view.

His group rose together, making their way over to the door. With Varric in the lead everyone cleared a path. Once close enough he realized that the bang was caused by a person falling to the floor dropping their weapons resulting in said noise. Just as Anders turned, reluctant to help another drunk Varric cursed loudly.

“Oh shit!” Varric spat as he knelt down and moved the hair form body's face. Hawke lay there covered in blood and harshly breathing. “Blondie, what do you we do?”

Before his mind could even react he was on the floor holding the women he loved in his arms. Her eyes were closed and there was blood everywhere. He began to panic feeling like he was watching the life leave her body. What could he do to save her? Was all this her blood. His own blood freezing his in veins at the thought.

“Anders!” the yell of his own name shook him form his thoughts and his brain finally caught up. “Merrill, quick, in my pack is a health poultice. Grab it quick.” Varric looked at him in confusion. “I need to stop the bleeding and move her into the ally.” the mage explained quickly, while still examining Hawke beaten body.

Merrill had returned and quickly poured the red liquid into the other woman’s mouth. The bottle was barely empty when suddenly Hawke gasp for breath and rose to a sitting position. She grasp her side and yelled out laying back down. She looked around and found Anders in the confusion.

“Anders, Slavers in the alienage...” her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she whispered “get Aveline.” once unconsciousness took her, her breathing became more normal. Everyone looked to one another in the confusion. Hawke gave the orders usually, and as she was almost always miraculously uninjured, so she divvied out the healing and took care of the clean up.

Thankfully, Anders had a task he needed to focus on and that was the woman cradled in his arms. “Varric, I have to get to the clinic...now!” The Dwarf gave a quick nod and started giving out orders.

“Daisy, head to the Alienage and assess the situation. If there are more slavers make sure they didn't follow Hawke. And Daisy” He called as Merrill shaking her head was standing to leave. “be careful, for Makers sake.”

“Hawke, don't let the Dread Wolf take you.” Merrill said kissing Hawke's forehead and running out the door.

“Riviani, go get Red and head to the Alienage. Clean up what you can.”

“Of course, I have to get big girl.” Isabella said as she held a hand to Hawke cheek. “Don't you die on me, sweet thing.” If Anders wasn't go crazy with worry, he would have sworn he saw tears in her eyes.

“Varric.” Anders voice warned.

“Right.” Varric said turning toward the crowd “Nothing to see here, back to your games!” waving his hands the shorter man gave enough of a scene for Anders to carry Hawke outside. Varric was hot on his heals as they headed out the ally and towards Darktown, the smell of fresh blood filling his nostrils.

 

–---

Fenris paced in front of his fire place for the millionth time in that hour. He was such a fool. The memories of his past still pushing towards his waken thoughts. He threw the empty bottle of wine at the wall and sank down in front of the fire.

Why he thought why had he left her. It was too much to bare. When she touched him, for the first time since he could remember, he felt home. And with that feeling came the memories, the haunted things of his past. Faces he couldn't put names to and feelings he wasn't familiar with. Maker, he was a fool. He told himself that several times a day.

He had heard her in the dark and he ran away, like a dog with his tail between his legs. She was happy. And he was too. That night with her was everything he could have dreamed and more. But then the pain, the history it was too much and he had left.

What was he without her? Nothing! An animal pawing to be released from its cage. He held his hands to his face, bringing to light the red scarf he now wore around his wrist. It was her good luck charm, she never took it off, and then she gave it to him. Her sign of trust, of...he couldn't even think it.

He expected to see her, they still had a city to look after, as Essa always said. Nothing got in the way of that, not even him. But here it was a week later and no one had come to his door, not even his favorite pirate wench. Not even for his reading lessons.

Maybe she moved on, didn't need him anymore. Didn't want him. These were the thoughts that haunted him at night. Her in that abominations arms him smiling down at her, him touching her where she let him touch her.

“AGGGHH!” Fenris yelled his tattoos coming to life and blazing in the dark room. He had to get out. The dwarf would know. Know where she was or...he would know. So he took off immediately, slamming the door behind him.

When he got the hanged man, things where not their usual loud self. The bar seemed quite and actually clean. He saw no sign of Isabella as he went up the stairs, but it was early yet. He went straight towards the dwarf's suite, almost running into Aveline on his way in.

“I'm sorry Varric. Alright. I don’t know what else to say. Have you seen it though? If I wasn't so upset, well I’d be proud of the girl.” Aveline was sighing with her back to door almost hunched over the large desk. “I can't tell you enough..but how is shh...” The guard captain trailed off as Varric leaned over and they both turned towards him. Aveline's face darkened at the sight of him. “Well” she turned back towards Varric “I have a few more assignments to give out and the Alienage is still being cleaned up with me personally over seeing it.” she walked past Fenris with a nod.

“Broody. Nice to see you out. The wine get boring?” Varric asked with a strain in his voice. He was trying to seem busy, but the worry lines on his forehead gave him away.

“Varric, I'm looking for Hawke. I haven't seen her around. And well” He rubbed the back of his neck, uncomfortable asking or talking to anyone these days. “I know she was looking into a few jobs she could use my help on.”

“Oh is that what you're going with?” Varric asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Is something wrong?” Fenris could feel the tension, everyone had avoided looking into his eyes. Aveline had all but ignored him.

“Oh Broody. It took you this long to come look for her really? Come on man, it's Hawke.” Varric was getting angry and he had every right to be. What kind of friend was he to wait this long? What kind of lover? Did he even have a right to call himself that? He ran his hand through his hair seeing the red scarf tied there again.

He let out a breathe. “What happened?” he asked.

Varric just shook his head. “She's at the Clinic.” he said standing. “And yes HES been with her, taking care of her for four days. I'd get a move on, broody.”

Fenris was already out the door before Varric even finished his sentence. She was injured? Or was she with him now? Four days felt like an eternity at that moment.

 

 

“It's time to wake up, little bird.” a resounding voice rang in her ears.

“Just a little longer, Father.” she responded, rolling over.

It smelled and was hot. And she was in pain. So much pain. Hawke wanted to sleep, to escape, but her body betrayed her. After all the battles, running from darkspawn, killing an ogre, the blighted deep roads, never had she felt so much pain.

She was such a fool. Throwing herself at Fenris every chance she had, and when she has finally convinced him it was a good idea. It was all fucked. Then she didn't sleep, went on a suicide missions, and nearly died. Yup pretty much what a fool did.

Her mothers had visited her, while she slept. And of course Anders had cleaned her and most likely seen her naked. As well as the love marks still on her body from her night with the wolf. “Oh” she breathed out as she sat up, little dots forming in her vision.

“Vanessa! No No.” gentle hands placed on her shoulders, trying to put her down. Anders was in her view in a second. “You have to rest or you'll pull the stitches.” As his words sunk in, she looked down at her uncovered chest. Her breast were wrapped but that was pretty much it. She had a row of stitches up her side. Confused she looked to her friend. “it was too close. I healed you but the wound was...well it was deadly. You needed extra protection.” he said placing a cool towel on her head as he set her down.

“How..” she coughed to clear her throat. “how long?” she asked as he placed his hands on her shoulders.

“It was touch and go, but four days. You have been out for four days.” His golden eyes full of concern and heat as his eyes trailed her body.

“Oh no. I have to go. Mother will be worried.” she sat up pushing his hands aside. She stood in her small clothes looking around for her leathers. “Plus, this place smells horrible!” she pointed out with a smirk. It was the first sarcastic thing she had said in a week, and it made her feel more herself.

Anders smiled and shrugged giving up on her about resting. She saw him watch her out of the corner of her eyes and she realized she was mostly naked. Blushing she saw her clothes on the counter in the corner and headed over there.

“Are you all right, Hawke?” good he called her by her sir name, putting a little more distance between them. She hated it, but knew it was for the better. She cared for Anders, and at another time, she may have loved him. Chased him.

She let a breathe out and pulled her pants on. Just that amount of work had exhusted her. She didn't lace them instead leaning against the counter, she caught her breathe.

“You're clearly not alright.” he walked towards her slowly and she met his eyes, seeing only worry there now. He placed his hand on her forehead and then checked her pulse. “Maybe you should stay here, a few more days at least.” leaving his hand on her shoulder. He looked into her eyes the worry leaving and replaced by something she wasn't ready for. She couldn't lose her friend.

“Anders...” she sighed pinching the bridge of her nose. “How bad were my injuries?” she asked trying to change the subject.

“Oh, well if you were trying to kill yourself-not so bad. If you were trying to live-then very bad. You had several deep lacerations, a sprained ankle, three cracked ribs, and of course the lovely stab wound. It hit your liver.” he looked at her with fear in his eyes and Hawke thought she saw a telltale hint of blue. “Why didn't you get someone to help?”

“I don't know, I thought, I thought I could handle it.”

“You haven't done that since you first came here and you're not nineteen anymore. You have people who care about you. People who will help you.”

“I know, Anders. It was stupid. But we all do stupid things.” she said looking at him pointedly.

“Is Fenris on that list of yours?” he shot back taking another step towards her. She wanted to slap him, asking such a question. And, no of course not, he was the best thing that had happened, whether he knew it or not.

“Screw you Anders.” she said grabbing her shirt and trying to move around him. He grabbed her arms, not roughly but with enough strength to stop her.

“Vanessa I'm sorry, that was...uncalled for. Let me get you some herbs to take and I will walk you home.”

She let out a breathe again trying to reign in her anger, her side protesting at the movement just breathing caused. “Thank you, but I can get home myself.”At that moment the double doors burst open and Fenris stormed in, his eyes searching. He looked right past Anders and focused on her. His eyes showing relief and then a pained expression as he looked her over. She wasn't sure if it was her injuries he saw, Anders hands on her arms, or her state of undress, but his mouth formed into a thin a line.

“Fenris.” She breathed out. Shaking out of the mages hands and turning to face him. Her knees going weak just saying his name. He looked wild at the moment and she couldn't stop the feelings of want welling up inside her.

“Ah, perfect.” Anders said with disdain clear in his voice.

Fenris' eyes looked Hawke up and down and then stayed glued to the large line of stitches on her abdomen. “You are injured.” He said quietly, reaching a hand out as if he could touch her at that distance.

She suddenly remembered only a thin cloth covered her bosom and her pants were unlaced, looking down at herself then around and finally realizing she had her shirt in her hand. She slipped it over her head, again feeling the spasm on her side when she moved. Fresh tears sprang to her eyes but not because of the pain in her side, but in her heart. She breathed in through her nose and spoke quickly “I am fine, really.”

Anders walked over rolling his eyes and handed her a pack, never taking his narrowing eyes off the elf. “Well here are those herbs, put them in your tea, since you don't drink wine.” he said louder then was necessary, again more in Fenris' direction then hers. “And your boots are over there, once you have them on WE can go back to the estate.” he said turning and heading to his desk.

Hawke walked over to where her boots were, hearing a low muffle behind her. She bent to grab one and quickly stood, grasping at her side.

“Here,” the deep voice behind her said, “allow me.” the warrior placed his tattooed hand on her hip and gently lowered her to the cot in a sitting position. Without a word Fenris bent and began to unlace her boots, then softly placed her foot in each and laced them back up. He never looked in her eyes, but the tenderness of his actions said enough. It also hurt more then she expected.

Fenris looked up at her and his face lit up at the view he had then suddenly as if realizing what he was doing, he stood bumping into Anders as he stepped back.

“Ugh. Watch it Elf.” Anders said harshly pushing him back.

“Don't touch me, Mage!” Fenris shouted back, his lyruim tattoos alighted in his angry.

Vanessa stood from the cot and separated the men acting like boys. “Maker's ass, you two!” Throwing her arms out in to each side and pushing at their chest. The pain shooting through her body from the movement caused her to double over.

“Hawke!”

“Essa!”

Both hands had grabbed at her shoulders, but Anders had froze upon hearing Fenris endearment. One that the group had only ever heard Bethany use when she was being taking away by wardens.

“Its nothing.” she said falling forward on her hands and knees. “I'm fine really. Should have done this ages ago. The floor here is so clean.” She said through clenched teeth trying to lighten the mood. Taking a deep breath she stood. Anders was still holding the pack for her and looked at her with concern. “Really, I am fine. Anyway, you are needed here.” she said grabbing the pack from his hands. It was heavier then she would admit.

“I can help you home, Hawke. If you want that is.” Fenris said rubbing his neck and looking down.

Anders looked around trying to make an excuse for him to come, but as always, he knew she was right. People would be knocking at his door any minute and he still had to clean up the mess from her blood. Sighing, she saw the resolve leave him. “If you could just tell me where my armor is, I'll be out of your hair.” she smiled at him, still leaving Fenris waiting for a reply.

“Oh, well. Your mother, she took your armor home. It was, well it might need repair.” he said sheepishly to her. Everyone knew how she was about her leathers.

“What!” she said raising her voice fraction to high. “you allowed her to take MY leather armor home. Covered in blood, home to my house. Where she will get it fixed? By who. What does she know about cleaning armor Anders, hmm. That's right!” she said at his confused nod. “Nothing! Just great. Well come on then Fenris, I have no armor and we have to go through Darktown and Lowtown. Just great. Thanks Anders.” she said stomping past him. Fenris followed with what she assumed was pure joy at the sound coming from her blonde friend. She was being harsh, but she would apologize later.

She walked out the clinic door and basically dropped the pack full of herbs. Fenris bent to pick it up but said nothing. Good. She preferred silence right now.

 

 

 

Fenris watched Hawke walk home jut a few steps ahead of him. She kept her distance from him which was no less then he deserved. He watched as her feet hit the ground, almost hoping on the balls of them. It kept her quick and silent. He had never seen a rouge so adept to silence. She had the grace of an elven dancer, and the speed of halla. He often wondered if maybe she was part elf. His thoughts traveled through to Lowtown before his head went somewhere it shouldn't. His eyes had traveled from her steps to her legs and then higher. He began to think of that night.

_He had arrived at her house late. Later then was called for. He just wanted to speak to her, he had been so unkind and the pain he had seen in her eyes haunted him. He couldn't get her out of his mind. He knocked hesitantly on the door, looking down at himself. He had removed his armor and only had worn his black leather pants and a black leather shirt. He felt odd with his greav_ _e_ _s and chest-plate, but he had come to talk._

_Bodhan opened the door with a sleepy look in his eyes. “Ah messare Fenris, how can I help you.” the dwarf said with a tight smile._

_“I'm sorry to disturb you so late. But I need to speak with Hawke.” he said thinking maybe he should just go home. “But I just realized the hour. I will take me leave.”_

_“Oh wait serah. She just arrived home a short while ago. She is, indisposed, uh” he fumbled with his words and Fenris face. He feared she was with the mage or worse and couldn't keep the look off his face. “that is she is bathing. If you would like you I will get her and you can wait in the study. I can...yawn..set a fire for you.”_

_“That's not necessary. Please don't disturb her I’ll just wait out here until she is done.” Fenris said stepping back and taking a seat._

_“If you wish.” Bodhan said closing the door._

_He sat for some time his mind wondering about how Hawke looked in a bath. That was not right he should go. He stood to leave but paused. No he needed to apologize. The woman was maddening! Maybe he should just go in there. No, what would that solve. He sat, running hi hands through his hair. He heard the door open, he looked over to see her, her hair was still wet and it clung to her neck where tresses fell from where she had pulled it up. Her robe was disheveled as if she put it on quickly. Her cheeks were flushed. She looked more amazing then he had ever seen. He couldn't stop himself. He stood and stalked towards her. Wait he stopped just out of reach. Apologize._

_“I wanted to apologize for my behavior in the cave. I was angry and I took it out on you.”_

_“It's okay Fenris. I understand.” she said looking down and fixing her robe._

_“No...I reacted poorly. This hate I thought I had gotten away from it but when I saw her.”_

_“What do you mean?” finally looking into his eyes, he was beginning to lose his cool._

_“This hate I feel it because they put it there.” he was going in circles he couldn't keep his head straight with her looking and smelling like she did. “I'm sorry, I didn't come here to complain about my problems.” He said looking at her._

_“Then what did you come here for?” she asked raising an eyebrow and stepping closer. Her face, she was so beautiful and he was tired of fighting himself. She deserved better, but he was selfish._

_“I have been thinking of you.” he stalked the rest of the way to her. “In fact, I've been able to think of nothing else. Command me to go and I shall.”_

_Her face shown with a slight hint of shock but her eyes were all wanton. She took the last step to him. “No need.” then her mouth was on his. He grabbed her and pulled her close, his tongue pushing into her mouth. She let out a moan and he pulled her tighter to him. She pulled away pushing him toward the wall as her lips invaded his again. As flash of something ran across his vision but he ignored it and pulled the women closer grabbing her thighs and lifting her to wrap her legs around him. She startled a cry but didn't stop kissing him. They moved as one and he became aware they were still outside. He didn't care, he would take her here. “Fenris,” she whispered and Maker what his name coming from her lips did to him. He bit at her neck and she giggled. He had never heard her giggle before, and right then he wished she would never stop. “Fenris, come inside with me.” she said holding onto the wall for support._

“Well this is me.” she said turning to him. They had arrived at her house and her voice brought him back to the present. He rubbed the back of his neck again and kicked at the dirt by his feet. “Thank you for walking me back. See you around, alright?” she spoke a question but hurried along into the house.

Before the door closed he heard her uncle yelling. “No. LE-AN-DRA. Leandra.” perfect just what Hawke needed, that uncle of hers. He started to walk away but then chose to go back. He was about to knock on the door, when he heard the sound of glass breaking. He ran into the room.

 

\-----

Her feet hurt, her stomach hurt, Void, even her eyes hurt. She leaned on a dirty bookcase in the under city of Darktown. She couldn't take her eyes of the portrait on the wall. The women looked just like her mother. It was why she was taken obviously, but Vanessa still couldn't help think why? Did this women die? Was she an ancestor of the Amell line? Andraste's ass what was going on and why did a trail of blood lead them here? Maybe she should have brought Merrill, she could sense if it was her mother's blood. No, that wasn't a great idea, not with Fenris pacing around looking at her with puppy eyes filled with worry.

“Maybe we should call Aveline, Hawke. You look pretty worn and these two...well remind me why you always bring them along..together..in the same space?” Varric looked at her with a smirk sensing her distress.

“No. We have to find her now. I don't” she paused at his raised eyebrows “We don't have time. I just need a second to catch my breath.”

“Of course. I'll just go work on that door with Blonde. Not only is it locked but its locked with some kind of magic.” he walked away signaling Anders over and pulled his lock pick from his pocket. She looked down at her own thinking she should be the one at the door but she was too tired to move. She pulled a health poultice from her side and took a quick sip, enjoying the filling of warmth spread through her body. She stood straighter and held her daggers tighter.

Fenris was by her side when Anders and Varric finally opened the door and the worst ten minutes of her life began.

 

\-----

She watched in slow motion as the mage spoke his garbage, as a body rose and shuffled over to the group. She couldn't move as her Mother's face stared at her from this sown doll body. A fight was happening around her but she only took a small step forward. She felt a protective shield go around her, she sensed her friends fighting around her, and she smelled ichor and sulfur everywhere. Still she stood frozen, the hazed eyes of her Mother staring into her crystal green ones. Before long the fighting was over and the body moved closer to Hawke. Still she didn't move, not until the pain registered on her mothers face and her body began to fall. Then and only then did the rouge move to catch her dying mother.

“Mother.” was all the words she could get out as she fell to the dirty floor with her Mother in her arms. All the searching all the fighting, for what. Her mother couldn't die she would save her. “Anders!” she yelled not looking to see if he was coming. He had to act fast he could save anyone, she knew it he could...as her vision began to blur she realized that Leandra Amell Hawke had already died..this was a monster she held in her arms and she didn't care. It was all she had left.

“My little girl has become so strong.” her mothers face smiled up at her. Eyes unseeing behind clouds of rot already taking the body. Hawke didn't want to here the words, couldn't lose anyone else. “I love you, you've always made me so prou...”

“No. no. no. Please don't leave me.” she held her Mother as her last breathe left her lips. She shook the body to no avail. She screamed “MOTHER.” as if it would wake the dead. This was a bad dream, it was anything, anything but real. Hawke began to rock back and forth holding her mothers lifeless monstrosity of a body. It hurt to look at the lifeless eyes in her mothers face, hold the hands of someone else hoping her mother could feel it. It was disgusting and heartbreaking. All she wanted to do was hear her mother voice, somehow.

\-------

Fenris looked on in horror as the life left Leandra. Magic. It hurt everything he loved. He couldn't stand to hear Hawke's voice tremble as she begged her Mother. They needed to get her out of here. Then he felt it, the light touch of magic. But it didn't burn, didn't ache like it usually did around him. It tingled and made him feel more peaceful. He looked to Anders expecting to see the abomination casting a calming spell on Vanessa. Instead he saw a frozen mage staring wide eyed where he wished his eyes would not follow. But they did, his brain could hardly keep up screaming at him not to look. His head turned and his eyes widened just as everyone else in the room had as well.

Hawke sat in an aura of white light surrounding herself in it. It was magic, but it was different, softer. Almost like it wasn't coming from her at all. He watched as it engulfed Leandra's mutilated body and then he heard nothing. Varric and Anders were frozen as he looked around for what to do.

“Blonde, what...what is happening?” Varric asked after his shock wore off.

“I...I don't know, this is strange.”

“Well shit, what do we do?” Varric started to look around like he had just done several moments ago.

The warrior let their bickering fade behind him as he approached Hawke. Reaching his hand out but right before he placed it on her shoulder he heard Anders yell to him “Fenris, DON'T” but it was too late. As soon as his gloved hand settled on her shoulder he saw the light shallow him too. At first he was scared but the wave that came over him was cooling, almost a relief. He vision began to blur until there was nothing but white.

He blinked out the light and found himself in a room. A mostly white room that was too bright. He saw a small figure hunched down on its knees in front of a large mirror. He approached the figure realizing it was Hawke, but not the Hawke he knew. She was small, fragile, and looked much younger. Her hand was holding out and pushed against the mirror. He was able to see into it. There stood her mother, holding Hawke's outreached hand. An older man her assumed was her Father, Malcolm Hawke and a younger boy that was Carver, her brother. Bethany was there but with her back to them standing a bit away. As his eyes moved he saw a hall of mirrors, each holding a version of their companions all with their backs to him and her. His eyes stopped on the last mirror directly in front of him and he was looking at his reflection. But the creature he saw could not be himself. This Fenris stood tall, not hunched with the burden of his past, as Fenris always saw when he looked in the mirror. His hair was shiner and glowed falling around his face nicely in a way that brought the green out in his eyes. He was tan and well beautiful. His marking not something to look away from fear at, but something much more intriguing. The design more of an artistry then the torturous reminder he thought of. His face soft and unafraid, brave even.

This was so strange. With a shaking hand he lifted it to the mirror watching his reflection do the same, but before he could touch it a voice caught his attention.

“It's time little bird.” a man's voice quietly rang out in the room.

“It's okay darling. We will all be okay.” that was Leandra's voice.

“Please don't leave me. I can't do it. I can't go on alone.” Hawke's voice was so little it barely echoed. Sadness and sorrow almost punched him in the stomach at how lost she sounded.

“You can't stay here, sister. I'll take care of them. You have your friends, you can make it.” Carver said standing a bit taller, his hand on his mother's shoulders.

“We love you.” her parents said together. Leandra pulled her hand away and Hawke's fell to the floor. The mirror began to grow dark and whispers started to leak into the room.

Fenris walked over to the slumped figure on the floor. “Hawke” he whispered. When nothing happened he leaned down and placed his hand on her arm. “Hawke.” she looked up with haunted eyes at him.

“Fen?” she said quietly her eyes began to tear again. “No. No.” she almost screamed turning away. “I can't relive this right now. I can't watch you leave again. Not now.” she pulled her knees to her and placed her hands on her head.

Fenris felt the pain and guilt in his chest well up. How many times had she thought about him leaving? He didn't know, didn't think, she was always so casual. Hawke always ready for a joke or smart comment. But here she was in front of him hurting and suffering, and no one knew. She had lost her family, a lover, everything to her. She felt alone and it was his fault. All he could do was bend down and pull her into his arms, something he wished he was strong enough to do everyday for the rest of their existence. He felt heat and smelled the decay settling into the room and opened his eyes seeing the room come back into view. It had seemed like hours had pasted since they where in the white room but it must have only been seconds. He pulled his hand away from Hawke's shoulder and walked over to the side as dizziness over took him and he spilled the contents of his stomach.

 

–---

He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think. He had been with Hawke for how long now, three no four years now? And she had never shown any magical ability like her sister. He let a breathe out again.

“Shit Blonde, what are we going to do?” Varric said again for probably the hundredth time. What were they going to do? Good question. There were only two things he was sure about-one was that the elf was an idiot as usual and two was that when Hawke woke up if Fenris was hurt, she would be pissed.

“I don't know Varric! This magic is strange, if it is even magic. Its not coming from Hawke, even though its surrounding her. Maybe her mother was secretly a mage? Though how in the Void that is possible.” Anders said shaking his head and moving around again.

“Maybe we should try to move them?”

“NO! Don't touch them or that could happen to you too.” Anders said pointing to the trio locked in some kind of bubble. “Maybe we should go get Aveli...” He trailed off as the light in the room began to die down. Fenris gasped as if he had been holding his breathe, his eyes adjusted and he walked to the corner and threw up until he was heaving and nothing was coming out. All eyes then went to the women holding her mother. The light enveloping her went away as she blinked away.

The three men moved to face her, looking between each other. He expected Hawke to cry, be angry, expected anything other then what actually occurred. She looked down at her mother then stood and pulled a sheet off the bed in the corner. She covered her mothers body then lifted it and began to carry it out of the room her face expressionless.

“Hawke, let us handle that.” Varric said quickly following after his friend. She said nothing in return and just kept walking. Fenris went soon after pain and fear in his eyes. Anders could do nothing except continue the trend and leave this horrible place behind.

Hawke was sweating and as they entered Hightown he could see the blood dripping down her boot and leaving a bloody trail as she walked. Anders was worried, more then usual. He always worried for her, about her. In fact he couldn't remember the last time her hadn't thought about her. “a distraction, we should be focused on bringing justice to those who harmed Hawke's mother.” “we killed him, Justice, what else needs to be done?” Justices voice quieted in his mind and they entered Hawke's estate.

She placed her mother in the basement on a lovely old looking table and then continued up the stairs. Varric was becoming frantic, it had taken them almost an hour to get back to the house and Hawke had said nothing. Even showing the pain on her face she did not stop. When the party traveled back to the parlor room Gamlen was just entering. “Did you find her? Did you find Leandra?” he asked looking around at all of them. Hawke just stood there with no expression. All three of the men looked down. “No. Not my sister. Why? Why her?”

“Would it really help to know why?” Fenris said standing in front of Hawke, almost guarding her.

“No, no I guess it wouldn't” Gamlen said, pain showing on his face. He looked up trying not to show that he was about to cry. “Well” he began with a shaky voice “someone should tell Bethany. I'll write to her. Take care my dear.” he said and walked out leaving them once again with a mute women. She went up the stairs and then just sat on her bad and stared at the unlit fireplace. Varric rubbed his neck and Anders pinched the bridge of his nose. After what seemed like a year Anders acted.

“For Maker's sake, Fuck Hawke! I have to heal your side again.” he said rushing to her. Fenris was hot on his tail and he stood next to Vanessa like a man possessed. She on the other hand did nothing. Normally he would have been mad with jealously as Hawke blushed and only looked at Fenris. He would have to try to settle himself as he looked over her perfect body and placed his hands on her to heal only. But now nothing. She didn't even seem to be aware of Fenris' presence, instead she stood and unlatched her buckles and let the leather armor fall to the floor.

Anders placed his hand on her wound and let the magic roll over him. Healing magic was so much easier then anything else. It was always flowing in his blood, rolling through his body. He felt it pass though him and into her, stitching flesh and stopping the bleeding. He pulled her shirt up and noticed his magic still couldn't heal it completely, worry creeping its way stronger into his mind. He pulled the small kit from his robed and began to thread a needle.

“Hawke, love, I'm sorry but I have to restitch this or it could get worse.” Once again his heart shuttered as she said nothing and only stood. His deft fingers quickly sewed the skin shut and he placed a small amount of elfroot to keep out infection. Satisfied she wouldn't bleed out she pulled her shirt down and took a step back. “Vanessa, if you want to talk.” she only sat down and looked back into the fireplace.

After some time they left her room, worried faces etched on all three men. Before they reached the stairs however Varric rushed in front blocking their path.

“All right, you two, what in the Maker's Ass happened?” he asked looking between the mage and the warrior. “Fenris?” he looked at the elf pointedly.

“I,” he paused his eyes squinting as he thought of what to say “I do not kn...remember.” he stumbled not looking at either one.

“My Ass!” Anders yelled back at him. “She's in shock,” he started to raise his voice pointing his hand behind him into Hawke's room. “She hasn't said a word! Her mother just died and she hasn't even shed a tear! But you, you were in that place, wherever it was with her and you don't remember?” his voice was shaky and he wanted to strangle Fenris. He had been pulled into whatever that was and he wouldn't tell them anything!

“Alright, alright Blondie.” Varric said looking back to make sure they hadn't disturbed Hawke. “I think it best if we just leave her alone for a while, make plans for her and Leandra. We'll also need to tell, well everyone. Blondie why don't you go see Daisy and Riviani and I'll stop by for choir boy and Red-she's know Leandra the longest and will probably want to help with funeral. Fenris, you do whatever is it you do.” he said waving his hands and heading down the stair.

“She won't want to be alone. I will stay in case she needs anything.” the elf said sullenly.

“I'm her healer, I should be the one to...”

“Come on Blondie, just leave it.” Varric cut him off. Anders just shook his head and walked out the estate with Varric.

 

\-----

Aveline Valen, guard captain sat at her desk in her dress uniform. Andraste preserve her, did she hate this uniform. Her and all the guard wore a black band around their arm in remembrance of the Amell family. She smiled a she remember how often Leandra had come down to the barracks with food and drinks for her and her team. Usually on nights Hawke was running around the city or staying out in the wilderness. None the less Leandra was family and many remembered her kindness. Tears welled in Aveline's eyes and she was quick to wipe them away.

“How are you holding up?” Donnic voice brought her out of her sad thoughts, all except one, Hawke.

“Not at all Donnic. What can I do now?” she said placing her face in her hands.

“You can be there for your friend, my love. That is all we can do.” Donnic said placing his hands on and rubbing her shoulders. She was still thrilled when he touched her. Their budding relationship growing faster then either of them could keep up with.

Clearing her throat she quickly stood. “I should attend to Hawke, she'll need me. We'll be at the Chantry at noon.” with those words she left the barracks and headed to the Amell house.

 

\---

“So this is the women who holds your leash now, my little wolf. Tsk, tsk. And not even a mage.” Daranius' voice rang out with mock disappointment.

Fenris eyes went wide as he took the scene in before him. His Hawke locked in a magical barrier almost crushing her and his master standing before her. He rushed forward reaching for his sword only to realize he was chained to the floor. He pulled at his restraints to no avail. Falling to his knees as he saw the pained looked on Hawke's face. He had done this to her and now she would suffer for it and it was all his fault. He hadn't even told her how he felt. He couldn't let this happen.

“No. Daranius, take me, she has nothing to do with this. Please.” he begged his master.

“It's Master, Fenris! You have forgotten your place my little wolf.” the mages eyes gleamed as he watched his slave stare at the women before him, a cruel smile formed on his face. “Come my dear,” he purred releasing her crushing prison. “I would love to see how you and my wolf...play.” Fenris has no choice but to watch as Daranius met Hawke's eyes, hers unable to look away. He saw the light leave them as the mage took control of his now living doll. There was no way to fight it, not without being a mage or having lyruim branded into your skin. Daranius reached out his hand and Vanessa grasped it lightly. “Come, slave.” his evil voice rang out with a snap of his fingers.

The chains released falling to the floor and Fenris followed through the rooms behind his master and his love. The scene changed as they entered a room that looked almost like Hawke's own room. There Daranius stopped and let go of the rouge's hand and whispered something he could not hear in her ear. Then he slipped into the background leaving the two alone.

His eyes met hers but she showed not recollection in them. Then she starting taking her clothes off, he knew he was living a nightmare and he should stop it, but he couldn't take his eyes off her beautiful body. His mind reeled knowing she had no control of her actions. He tried to fight his body's reaction, but he knew from past experience when it came to Hawke he couldn't help himself. He felt Daranius watching and it made him sick to think he would see her vulnerable and naked and before he realized it he was hovering protectively over her. It was a mistake, he was trying to save her, but without her in control, he had only put them in more danger.

Hawke, or her body, wrapped her arms around his neck and began to kiss him, it was everything he wanted to kiss her back, make love to her, make her his forever, but not here, not like this. He tired to pull away, shake her, yell at her, anything to bring her back but nothing worked. Causing her to only cling herself tighter to her and kiss him more forcefully.

He couldn't last and as her lips met his, he began to kiss her back. Her tongue entering his mouth and played a dance with his own. He squeezed himself closer to her body as she put her leg up to his hip, wrapping it around him to pull him down onto the bed. He was almost gasping for air as her lips crushed his. His mind continued to fight as his body gave in, he kissed and felt down her body. He pulled away as he felt the swell of her breast enter his hand, he wanted to see her, his Essa. As he squeezed her tit in his slender fingers recognition reached the green oasis of her eyes.

“Fen...” she whispered almost silently, blinking her eyes to see him more clearly. Somehow their connection had broken the blood magic spell.

“Pity,” Daranius' voice rang out. “Kill her, little wolf.” Fenris felt his masters call and knew he could not resist. A knife appeared in his hand and he stabbed it up into Vanessa's heart. He looked down on his work his eyes widening with the realization of what he had done.

Hawke saw his face and calmly placed her hand on his cheek and smiled. “It's okay, my love. Ar lasa mala revas...You are free.” her eyes closed to him and she was lost.

He started shaking and in his shock the body that lay before him began to change. An older yet still beautiful women appeared before him laying with the knife still in her chest. She was elven with red hair and familiar green eyes. “Oh Leto,” she said “My boy, its okay.”

“Fenris…Fenris.” Someone kept calling his name but he couldn't pull himself away from the woman...it felt so familiar.

“Fenris!”

His eyes opened and he grabbed the hand on his shoulder, gripping it with all his strength. With the other he moved towards the throat in front of him and was punched in the face.

“Fenris.” the cool, strong female voice rang out.

“Aveline,” he said rubbing his cheek, “I apologize.”

“It happens, not to most people, but with you.” she said. She had been sent to waken him from drunken fits before. “How is she? Any change?” the guard captain was right to business as usual and it was a good question. Ha had fallen asleep on his watch. The only watch, he hadn't let anyone else stay.

“I'm not sure.” he said leaning to look into the doorway of Hawke's room.

“I can see that. Have you been here the last two days? Damn it, Fenris, you have to rest or your not doing anyone any good, especially her.” And with that she went to Hawke.

“Hawke?” after a time with no answer Aveline looked to him then back “Vanessa, it's time for the service. Remember? Are you ready?” it was the most gentle he had ever heard the warrior speak. Hawke stood and he saw that things had indeed changed while he had slept-her clothes. She rose from the bead wearing a long sleeve white shirt with lace that was tied closed up the front, a black corset around her middle, and a matching black skirt that bunched at the bottom to show her black dress boots. Her hair, which was normally tied up in a red ribbon, one similar to the one he now wore around his wrist, was down, showing how shiny and perfect her dark red curls were. He had only seen her hair down once before, that one night over two weeks ago. She looked beautiful and he was too much of an ass to say it.

As the walked out of her room Aveline stopped next to him “we still have to go to the flower stall to pick up my order, why don't you run home and change. We'll meet you there.” and with that she walked Hawke out the door, Bodhan, Sandle and the elven women Orana following at their heels.

 

 

Fenris couldn’t take his eyes off Hawke's as she watched her mother burn. Much of the crowd had left after the service leaving on the family for the actual pyre. Since Hawke was the last of her family, some of her friends had stayed, himself included. When there was nothing but ash left and small boy began to sweep the remains into a golden urn and handed it to Hawke. She took it without so much as a nod and began to walk out of the chantry gardens. Aveline grabbed his arm.

“Let her go, Fenris.” she said.

“She shouldn't be alone..she...” but he didn't know what she needed. He was no good at this.

“She needs you. Have you spoken to her?” Aveline asked looking into his too green eyes. “Of course you haven't.” she said with a shake of her head. “You are going to be the one to pull her out of this, if you can get off your high horse and actually say something to her.” and with that Aveline left the chantry leaving him looking dumbfounded.

He found himself in front of Hawke's estate some time later. The warrior had walked all Hightown thinking of what to say but still had nothing. He sighed and let himself in, hoping something would come to him. She was sitting in her room again in front the fireplace which was now lit. But he noticed something he didn't before when he moved her eyes followed. Everyone had been here and she had only stared, no she watched him. “I don't know what to say, but I am here.” he said waiting to see if she'd answer.

She blinked a few times as if coming out of a trance. “Do you,” she paused turning to face him and just stared for a while. Looking away she asked almost a whisper “what about your mother?” she gulped “is she...still alive?”

“I don't know.” he replied trying to push his nightmare of the elven women from his mind and coming to sit by her side “I have no memory of her, at least you knew you mother.” he knew he was saying everything wrong. He didn't mean it the way it came out; more of an accusation than a comfort. He turned his face away from hers.

She stood and tried to warm her hands by the fire but it seemed to only make her shiver more. “Oh Maker, I'm sorry Fenris.” her head fell down and he saw the tears begin to wet the carpet. “I'm so sorry” she cried again covering her face with her hands. He was by her side in a second holding her in his arms as she fell to the floor, sobs wracking her body. He didn't say anything, he didn't need to, all he wanted was to hold her.

After a while the tears stopped and she was just sobbing. He held her all the same. Once she was breathing normal she lifted her head and he saw her blood shot eyes. Not only from crying but lack of sleep as well. She looked into his eyes for a time without saying a word, then she watched as her eyes traveled to his lips and lingered there. He begged for her to lean in, what he wouldn't do to be with her again. And at the same time, he couldn't. He cleared his throat bringing her back to the present.

Standing she walked to the bed side table and grabbed small box. “This was my mother's. I would like, well she would have wanted.” she sighed and twisted her ankle around on the ground. “Here.” she finally said handing him the box. He opened it to see a small pin that looked like a shield and it had a coat of arms of the Amell family.

'Thank you, Hawke.” she smiled at him and then sat on the bed, exhaustion taking her. “I will let you rest.” he said getting up to leave.

“Wait, please,” she begged her voice weak and cracking, “don't leave me. Please I don't want to be alone. Will you just stay here, please.” she wouldn't look up from the floor.

“Of course.” he said pulling the coverlet down from the bed until she slide under them he covered her and sat next to her. Within seconds she was breathing deeply. He looked at the pin and turned in over. On the back was an inscription:

M-

To remember that we don't need our pasts when we have each other.

-L

\-----

 

“My little Leto.” a soft voice rang in his head. He was sitting on the elven woman's lap and she was playing with his hair. He noticed it was black. He smiled up at her and then felt a sharp sting on his back. Suddenly he was on the whipping post cries echoing all around him. He say Hadreanna circle him “Tell me, slave” she cooed as she ran her hand up and down his body, “who broke my chalice?” he fought himself as she held his face in her hands. He looked around stilling on a pair, the elven woman and a small girl with the same red hair. The young one was crying and somehow he knew she had broken the cup, but he must protect her-his little sister. The whip sounded and struck his back once more.

Fenris woke sweating, his hair sticking to his face. The nightmare-memories still clinging to his waking mind. He tried to remember where he was and as he began to sit up it became painfully obvious what had happened. He fell asleep while comforting Hawke. She was curled into a ball, her head on his shoulder. His arm was stretched out and her her fingers were entwined with his. He should have known, whenever he was with her the memories seemed to flood his mind. He needed to get out and as much as he knew he'd regret it again he left her alone and walked out, leaving her sleeping.

He basically ran back to the mansion he squatted in. Opening the door he rushed in and slammed it shut. Taking a deep breath, he stilled for a moment. He looked around the room and somehow felt worse then before. Fatsa Vass! He would never be rid of her. His mind wondered over all the times she had been there, especially the time he realized he had fallen in love with her.

_Hawke and Isabella had cleaned his entry way and were now using it as a sparing rink. He watched the women move in a delicate balance between and dance and a battle. Isabella was as smooth as ever but Hawke grace and quickness was too much. He had never seen a rogue move as she did, even an elven assassin didn't hold to her skill._ _Hawke landed on top_ _of_ _Isabella_ _'s_ _back pining her to the ground and kissing her cheek._

_“I win, again!” she laughed jumping back and holding out a hand to help up her friend._

_“Don't let it go to your head, there will be no living with you after that. Fenris how about a little help.”_

_He unfolded his arms and stood up form his casual lean on the stairs. “Alright. But it's two on one, and it still isn't going to be fair.” he grabbed a long training stick from the wall and stood next to Isabella._

_“So, you two against me? How is this fair?” the small women asked but with a wicked gleam in her eyes. He was not fooled, she used her size in her favor, he couldn't underestimate her. With a yell Isabella moved in and Fenris followed on her heels, they fought trying to land a_ _blow on the rogue. She was two fast, shuffling between the two using them as toys to run into each other. They wondered through the house, Hawke jumping from wall to wall. She entered the last room that held no other exit and turned and smiled at the pair as they rushed in._ _T_ _hrowing a smoke pellet Hawke_ _disappeared_ _from view. They ran in and he felt soft skin in his hand the smoke burning his nose and eyes, still he held her in place and put his sword to her throat, waiting for the smoke to clear. Within seconds he realized he had caught the wrong rouge, with the haze cleared he let go of Isabella. A pearl of a laugh rang out and Hawke was laying on the desk in the far corner of the room. Isabella threw a rock f_ _ro_ _m the floor at her and walked out. Giving them a wink as she left for something she could actually win. Hawke just laughed harder. And right there in that moment, Fenris smiled and was happy and her knew it was the women in fr_ _ont_ _of him. She was making all this possible. He felt the warmth in his cheek and turned away._

_“I should probably let her win the next round or something. But you know if she pins me, Im afraid I'll never get her off!” she said jumping from the desk and laughing again. “Well I should go check on Mother. But hey see you tomorrow for that raid!” she said suddenly stopping. “That reminds me. Do you have a second?” she asked turning back to him._

_“For you, of co_ _u_ _rse.” Now he watched as she blushed. It was a sight to behold._

_“I uh, I got you a gift, well I found it, but I saved it for you”_ _he followed her up to the room with the fireplace up the stairs. There she grabbed her bag and pulled a box out handing it to him. He opened it to reveal and small delicately bond book._

_“Its a book.” he said turning it over in his hands._

_“Yes, its about Shartan, he was an elven slave who helped Andraste. And well I thought it was right up your ally-which is where I found it. Anyways, its for you.” she beamed at him._

_“Oh well yes. Thank you.” he said sadly as he just stared at the words on the cover._

_“You don't like it?” she asked walking closer. This is why he didn't get to close to people, they would find him lacking._

_“No, it's just..I can't read. As a slave, you are never taught.” he said handing the book back to her._

_“It was a gift Fenris, keep it.” she said pushing it back over to him. “Would you like to learn? I could teach you. I taught...”a hint of sadness entered her eyes as she remembered something. “I taught my brother.” she looked at him and waited for an answer._

_“I think I would like that.” he replied holding the book closer._

His mind brought his back to the present and he found himself looking at the desk. They hadn't had a lesson for weeks now, not after their night together. It was better, he couldn't give her want she needed. He was just a slave. The anger always under his skin burst forth lighting his markings. He picked up the bottles in the room and smashed them on the walls. He pushed over creates and finally he drove his claymore through the desk, falling to his knees. He sat there watching the light come in through the window.

 

 

 

 

 

It had been two weeks and not a word. Nothing! Fenedhis! He was getting upset and worried. He had even went to Hawke's home, pushing Bodhen aside and waited for her, only to fall asleep in the guest room and wake with no Hawke. She was probably out on a job, but she always asked him for help. Maybe she had gotten another lover. The thought making him ache inside.

What did it matter, he thought, it was his own fault. He knew leaving that, for the second time, would be it. The last straw in their whatever it was they had. And he had no one to blame but himself. Perhaps, this was a good thing. What she needed to move on, be happy. Maker did she deserve to be happy.

He took a deep breath and decided he needed some air. Varric had offered him a game of wicked grace earlier that week and he thought now was a good a time as any. He headed towards the Hanged Man. Upon entering he bumped into a familiar figure, the abomination never far from his mind.

“Always in the way.” Fenris said standing besides him, “why must you stand by the door, mage.”

“Quiet, Elf!” Anders whispered to him. Fenris was about to reply when his eyes fell on the scene in front of them. Isabella and hooded woman were dancing on the tables as the unknown female sang a musical tune. After a moment the hood moved just enough that the elf could see her face, Hawke. He had never heard her sing and her voice was incredible. Was there anything this woman couldn't do he thought. At the end of the song they jumped down from the tables and into the laps of two templar trainees. His eyes narrowed as the men blushed and wrapped their arms around the women. Isabella petted her mate on the face while shimming her bottom closer to his body, Hawke just grabbed her drink and chugged it down basically ignoring the boy.

His eyes wouldn’t move to trail away as much as he wished them to. He didn't need to see this, he should just return home. He didn't move however he just watched. Isabella smiled and pulled the other rogue closer and whispering in her ear. The mage and the warrior watched with wide eyes and the two women kissed and not just a friendly peck he had seen Hawke give to her friends, no this was a deep kiss. When it the over the recruits smiled and pulled the girls closer. Hawke pushed off her templar and went to the bar nodding up stairs as she went. Isabella grabbed both boys and headed up the stairs, “she'll be up in a minute, sweet thing, come with us.” her voice rang out as they ascended the stairs. Hawke threw Loyd a coin and grabbed a bottle off the bar.

Fenris was sure she was headed up the stairs, a move he would watch as the last of him died inside. Instead she drank from her bottle and walked towards the door he and the mage were blocking. She looked at them with wide eyes freezing for a moment as she realized they had just witnessed her little act. Her eyes narrowed at them and she pushed past them out the door. They were on her in a second.

“Hawke!” they both yelled as she stomped away, still drinking whatever piss was in the bottle. “Hawke...Vanessa!” he yelled. With that she turned and threw the empty bottle at their feet.

“What!” she said crossing her arms.

“Where have you been?” Anders asked reaching out a concerned hand that she backed away form them.

“Out.” was her curt reply.

“Out where?” Fenris asked narrowing his eyes back at her. She was acting like a stubborn child and he had to force himself to stay calm as he pieced together just how drunk she probably was.

Hawke signed and threw her hands in the air. “The Dalish needed supplies, I took Merrill, Sebastian and Isabella to go to them. They needed some more help so we stayed there for some time. You could have asked Aveline! Or you know minded your own business.” Hawke was known to help out the Dalish quite a bit. He knew she was fascinated with their culture, religion, and language. She was, before all this, teaching it to Fenris during their reading lessons.

“Well, Andraste's tits, Hawke, you should have told me. I've been worrying at the clinic for weeks! And what in the Void was that display?” Anders chided her like a child and Hawke's face grew cold. It was then that the wind blew promising a storm and her hood fell from her face.

“You cut you hair?” Anders yelled at the same time Fenris yelled “You got a tattoo?” Hawke had chopped off her long curly dark red hair. It was now just above her shoulders in a choppy cut. The red mostly gone leaving her hair black. Under her right eyes she now had four distinct circles growing smaller the closer they got to her nose. They were dark blue in color. She looked older, angrier and more drained then he could ever remember seeing her. He wondered if it was all his fault.

“Ugh!” she grunting throwing her cloak down and stumbling away from them. They both went to follow her, Fenris narrowing his eyes now at Anders as they moved in unison. She turned quickly, “If either of you follow me I will cut your sodding balls off and freed them to a dragon. Leave me!” she yelled tears threatening her eyes. And with that she was off again, and not with her graceful walk he was used too either.

“I wouldn't.” I voice rang as they both took another step again. Varric stood leaning against a barrel in the alley next to them. “She's serious. And drunk. Never a good combination.” he said shaking his head. “but nice to see you two agreeing on something.” he smiled as he approached them.

“She's drunk Varric, she shouldn't be alone.” Anders stated.

“And I'm on it Blonde. I've had men following her since she tried to sneak out alone to the Dalish camp. Trust me I got her.” Varric told them as he walked back towards the bar. “Maybe later you two could apologize for whatever it is you did to piss her off, before she kills us all.” he said leaving into the building.

“This is your fault, elf!” Anders yelled pushing him in the chest.

“Don't touch me, Mage! And she seemed just as upset with you.” Fenris yelled his lyrium lighting in effect with his anger as he shoved Anders hands from him.

“One day she will tire of you and you will push her too far. I pray to be there that day and laugh in your face, you dog!” Anders threw his hands up and walked away.

Fenris wanted to rip his heart out. The abomination and his infatuation with his woman. He took a deep breath, he couldn't do it-one because he was her friend and she cared for him and two because she wasn't his. No one was to blame but himself. He turned on his heels and went inside the Hanged Man. He needed more information on what was going on with Hawke, and he needed to calm himself.

 

\-----

 

Hawke was dizzy and tired. Maker, how much had she drank. She went to pull up her ponytail, only to remember she had little hair left. She clutched the hair on her scalp until the pain grounded her and then contiued walking towards her estate. The building she now owned, alone. She hated it in there. Even with Sandle, Bodhan and Orana, it was too quiet. Orana would have her own place soon, in the alienage like she wanted and Hawke would be down another person. It made her angry, everything made her angry. In fact she couldn't recall the last time she wasn't angry.

Well thats a lie, she thought. Two weeks ago I woke alone, again, that's when the anger started. That's when the dreams started. Demons offering her her mother back, promising to kill anyone in her way. To punish those who hurt her. It was only when they said they'd harm Fenris and Anders that she'd dismiss them.

It wasn't their faults. She knew Anders couldn't go to her mothers service, she knew. She knew Fenris wouldn't stay. Still her best friends had abandoned her when she needed them most. And now she hated the world for it. She hated everyone. Aveline had visited her while she was with the Dalish, told her Leandra wouldn't like to see her like this, that she didn't like to see her like this. It hurt so she had cut her hair and marked her face so now she looked different. Merrill had arrived to bring her back, then Sebastian and then Isabella. And finally she went home, where she found Fenris sleeping in her guest room. The bastard, as if he cared. She left and stayed with Varric for two nights drowning herself in piss water and rum. What did she care. But the city was falling apart. The Quanri were restless, the vicount was at his wits end, and the mages and templars were as crazy as ever. She had to straghten up, she knew, but she didn't care.

She opened the door to her empty home and marched upstairs to her bed. Rufus bounding after her. She lay in bed and patted it for him to join her. Within two heartbeats she was asleep.

_“_ _Come inside with me Fenris.” she had whispered. She turn_ _ed_ _to the door holding his hand but it obviously wasn't enough. He grabbed her placing her legs around his hips and his lips once more on hers. She fumbled reaching for the door knob she swore was there. In their heated haze she was able to turn in and they where in._

_Fenris carried her up to the stairs as if she was a light as a feather. His_ _tongue_ _battling_ _hers for control in their mouths. Now that they had started she didn't see how it would end. She would never have enough of him, she craved him like a b_ _east_ _does the hunt. She wanted to be closer. She wanted to tell him she loved him. The close of a door opened her eyes and she_ _realized_ _they made it to her bedroom. As she looked around things weren't right the edges of her vision was blurred, as if she was in a dream. She didn't care, she would relive this night in her mind every night. She sighed and let her one night of peace continue._

\-----

 

She opened her eyes in what felt like seconds later, the memories sticking to her like wet matted hair she couldn’t get off. She was sweaty and dizzy. And the nausea hit her like a Quanri battle ax. “Oh no” she said leaning over her bed. A hand held her shoulder and hair while a bucket was placed in front of her face. She expelled the contents of her stomach until nothing would come up. Taking a deep breath she sat up to see Anders sitting next to her with a handkerchief in his waiting hands.

“I thought you might need some help.” he said smiling.

She just rolled her eyes and took the clothe to wipe her mouth. He offered her water and she accepted taking a small sip. “Thank you.” she whispered quietly. Her head still pounded as she spoke and she closed her eyes against the light. Giving up she leaned back against the propped up pillows and tried to become small. This is why she preferred tea to wine.

“Here.” Anders voice said quietly. She reached out as he placed a warm cup in her hand. “I made you some tea. Its a healing herbal with elfroot. I'm afraid it doesn’t taste good.” he smiled as Hawke took and sip and made a face. “But it will help with the hangover. And I'm sorry.”

“It's fine,” She answered placing the cup down and making another face and once again closing her eyes.

“No, Hawke, I'm sorry.” he said again holding her hand. She opened her eyes and saw the unshed tears in his eyes before he could blink them away. She knew what he meant but was never comfortable talking about feelings.


End file.
